FINDING
A NEW MEETING
Charlie D. Rants about finding a new meeting.
CHARLIE D. : "Find me a meeting!"
I recently
moved from one side of a New York Bridge to another. I was happy to
travel across the bridge to make my "home group" meetings,
but, coincidentally, my home group ceased to meet. Closed. Gone. Ka-put!
Time to find another meeting in my new Home Town!
I was
able to obtain a meeting list for the county and decided to map out
my week by hitting one meeting at a time until I found a room that was
comfortable and resembled my old group. All meetings are the same right?
Wrong!
Now, I don't want to knock any group by describing the following, but I want to share with you (editor: read "rant") my observations on what I FEEL works and does not work for ME. Take what you like and leave the rest.
My old home group (and so many others on "the other side of the bridge") ran their meetings the following way:
Sit in Circle. Preamble, moment of silence, serenity prayer, introductions by first name, pass the basket, review the basic 12 steps, topic announced, speaker introduced. The scheduled speaker for the week shares on the topic and then afterwards opens the meeting to the group. Either to the Right or Left of the speaker each person would take a turn by announcing his/her name, sharing or passing. Each sharing limited to about 5 minutes, depending on the size of the group. The meeting really clipped along and a collective thought always surface. Once the last person shared, the leader closed the meeting with the final words, Serenity prayer, take what you like, leave the rest, what you hear here stays here. Done.
That was the type of meeting I was used to.
This is what I found, and how the difference made me yearn for my old group. ( I KNOW I'm going to get some banging mail from some of you, so remember...take what you like and leave the rest. these are just my opinions and I have no intentions of knocking your group....):
Every meeting I visited in this County (Editor: deleted name) was run the same way. It was as if one person started the ball rolling years ago and they've been going that way ever since.
First of all, an announcement of how much
money should be placed in the basket. Really? You're telling me how
much to put in the basket?
Second, (each group was the same in this respect) an announcement of
a moment of silence which lasted all of a HALF SECOND. It sounded like
this:
"andnowjoinusinamomentofsilenceandthentheserenityprayer-godgrantmetheserenity..."
Wow....
Third. Full name sharing and sharing with the group where you are from. No...really? Really. this is an anonymous group, yes?
Fourth: The Leader of the Group IS the speaker. in other words, there isn't a different speaker every week. Every week the Leader is the Speaker. (Like I said, this may be normal to you, but totally alien to me.)
Fifth: After the leader/speaker does his/her
thing, the meeting is open to the group, but there is some sort of "three
minute rule" where the group WAITS for "who ever feels like
they want to speak, go ahead and speak..."
In each group the experience was the same. A long three minute wait
where a room, mostly filled with people of damaged self esteem, stare
at their shoes, scratch their elbow, twitch their noses, look at the
window frames...and wait for SOME ELSE to speak.
It was torture for me. Finally, just before the 3 minutes are up, someone "Ahem"'s and starts to speak.
Sixth: No LIMIT to a sharing. Some people went on and on for ages without the leader tapping the watch or giving a polite signal.
Seventh:
MULTIPLE SHARING. I've never experienced this in a meeting before, but
i ran into it all over this County. Someone shares for 15 minutes....dragging
the sharing on and on, completely off topic. (Okay, I have to say this:
DRONING on and on.....) Finishes the sharing (thank God) and then the
three minutes begin to tic away while the group waits for the next brave
soul to speak up. Oh...I was going mad.... then suddenly on the final
second before the leader closed the meeting, the last person to share
says, "Hi, I'm Jane. Since nobody wants to share, I'll share again."
And then she shared.... for what seemed like hours.
Eighth: CROSS TALK: People responding to each other during a sharing. Offering advice. Preaching to someone who is sharing. "Charelene, We told you to stop seeing that man. What is wrong with you, girl? Don't you know how to work the program??" (Akkkk!)
Ninth:
EXTREMELY SHORT BUSINESS MEETINGS: I asked each group when they held
their business meetings. I figured, if I could be a part of one, I could
introduce some ideas from the other side of the bridge. The could take
what they like and leave the rest, but I needed to speak up and share
my 15 years of experience strength and hope.... I how I hoped. I was
informed that business meetings were held the first 2-3 minutes of the
beginning of the last meeting of each month.
2 minutes....
Tenth: Splitting a perfectly well sized group (say about 12 people)
into tiny groups of 3. Come on. Why do this? I went to three meetings
this week that contained about a dozen people and the leaders split
the groups up into 3-4 people.
Maybe all of this seems normal to you, and if it does, I am going to suggest that you try bringing some of these ideas to your next business meeting. I also suggest having a business meeting either before or after your regular meeting but that it lasts at lease a half hour.
1.
Allow basket deposits to be voluntary and allow the amount to be inspired
by the giver. Why? because some people are flat broke and some people
are flat out rich.
2. Allow for a moment of REAL silence. take a breath, gang. this world
is too fast paced. Everyone in the group deserves the opportunity to
take a nice long breath. Don't read your preamble and blast through
the serenity prayer like it's a car commercial.
3. First names only, gang. Maybe last initials. But don't ask your members
to share their full names and locations. Keep the ANON in the room.
4. Leaders, please ask for members to volunteer as the "speaker
for the week." Have a calendar with the topics for each week plotted
out and ask members to sign up. Members, please sign up as the speaker
for a topic you feel confident about. Share your experience, strength
and hope with your group.
5. Share clockwise or counterclockwise. Look, the meetings are only
an hour (in most states) so why waste precious minutes waiting for someone
to be inspired to speak? If the format is set up from the start so that
your turn will absolutely come up, you are more likely to share, you
are less likely to be bored to death by staring at your shoe laces,
and everyone, whether they share or not, is acknowledged. "Hi,
I'm Jake. I'll pass." THANK YOU, JAKE. WE'RE GLAD YOU MADE IT.
KEEP COMING BACK. Keep in mind, most of these rooms are filled with
newcomers and old timers struggling self esteem issues. Why tax these
issues by forcing people to raise their hand? Even the person with the
lowest self esteem can feel confident that their "turn will come."
6. Limit your sharing to about five minutes. Don't let dysfunctional,
rude members take your group hostage by rambling on and on about what
they saw on the news and how it made them lose sleep.
7. Keep your sharing brief, try to stay on topic, and don't confuse
sharing with COMPLAINING. I can't tell you how many people took a group
hostage by spending gobs of time complaining about their waiter, their
taxi driver, their boss.... Please, people. Keep the focus on yourself.
Don't take someone else's inventory and if you're incapable of doing
this, please keep your complaining down to five minutes or less. It's
your five minutes, do with it what you will.
8. NO CROSS TALK. There is a reason for this, gang. If someone can't
share without the fear that another person in the group is going to
judge them or berate them, how can they share honestly again? No cross
talk. Just don't do it.
9. Ask your group if they would be interested in having a real business
meeting. One that lasts more than two minutes. Take a half hour every
couple of months to discuss the world services, calendar, responsibilities
and banking of the group.
10. Don't split your groups up into tiny little coffee clutches. If
you have 12 people in the room, you have a perfect sized meeting. There
is recovery and power in a group like that. Everyone should hear the
words of the old timers, the hard workers and the new comers who need
to be heard. There is power in the group who takes on the pain of the
little guy who walks into the room for the first time.
Okay. I'm done ranting.
I've chosen a group that seems the most functional and I will return this week and share my experience with the group and maybe they will like what they hear. Maybe they won't. Either way, I am still grateful for this and all rooms.
I'm
sure a lot of you have something to say about this month's feature.
I welcome your comments.
Have you experienced something similar?
Do you think I'm totally off base?
Share, Share, Share!
Charlie D.
Write
Charlie D.
Charlie.D@recoveryworld.com
(In the subject area of your email write: "EMAIL FOR CHARLIE D"
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CHARLIE D.'s Book Recommendation of the Month:
Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men Touchstones
provides men with a daily spiritual guide grounded in the Twelve Steps.
The meditations are designed to help men express feelings, reconnect
with their souls, and reclaim their deeper masculine qualities.
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